QUESTION: Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday! I like the family atmosphere, good home cooking and football! But we live in an increasingly divided world, so what’s the right thing to talk about at the Thanksgiving table? Do you have any ideas on how to gossip, especially with people you disagree with? Plus, I’m hosting this year. What can I do if things get hot? I would appreciate any advice.
CALLIE’S RESPONSE: Talk about food and football! If things start to get heated, bring out the dessert or play a fun left-of-center game (an easy game for all ages that’s played with dice and dollar bills – $1 per person). Happy Thanksgiving!
LILLIE-BETH’S RESPONSE: Everything and everyone is susceptible these days. Even the most innocent topics seem to irritate and people get stressed. I support meaningful conversations where people can discuss topics openly and with a willingness to listen to those who think differently. I don’t believe we will solve complex problems without the ability to listen to a variety of perspectives; Sometimes a dining table is a good place to practice these discussions. If you can have these meaningful conversations with family members and people are OK with discussing these topics, then I say let them play out – as long as everyone is pretty comfortable with it. kind of discussion. This is my optimistic view.
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Now for reality: It seems like so many conversations aren’t going in that direction these days and they’re unfortunately becoming heated and angry. If you know that members of your family have strong feelings or opinions that differ from the rest of the group, it’s good to be prepared. For a Thanksgiving gathering, you usually know everyone who is coming and their personalities, so think about that in advance. If a person is determined to get their point across in an argumentative manner, try to deflect them by saying something like, “Hey, we’re all family here and we’re here to enjoy each other’s company.” May this meal and these people we love be a place of respite from all stress – let’s talk about our best memories of the year.
Move the conversation if you can, and don’t let even innocent comments — such as “I had a great time at a Taylor Swift concert this year” — turn into political discussions, which seems to happen more often than not. ‘he shouldn’t these days. Also plan games or activities that suit everyone to create new memories that don’t involve strong opinions, but rather laughter and fun.
Card games, gift games, flag football, etc., could all work. Shift the energy elsewhere and make an intentional effort to show love to the people you’ve come together with. Look for the things that bring you together rather than those that divide you.
HELÈNE’S RESPONSE: We definitely want to avoid hurt feelings around the Christmas dinner table and most of your Thanksgiving guests will feel the same way. In a text, suggest exactly that. Politely remind your guests to bring their thoughts of gratitude to the dinner party. Remind them that their parents and friends don’t always think the same way and that hopefully everyone can focus on what’s good in our country, our state and our hometown.
Playing cards or other games, before or after dinner, can always add to the festive atmosphere. I hope everything goes well and you and your guests have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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GUEST RESPONSE: Richard Rosser, filmmaker, author and storyteller: Congratulations on your foresight in trying to have a quiet Thanksgiving. I suggest sending a text or email to your guests explaining your desire to keep the day civil. You can include a list of “no-go” topics, including: politics, religion, divisive social issues, personal criticism, and past grudges.
Include a list of “acceptable” topics including: family traditions, favorite foods, childhood memories, travel stories, hobbies, books and movies, sports, pets, and, last but not least, gratitude. Have one of your family members remind guests of their arrival, and be prepared to change the subject quickly and firmly if the conversation strays from positive topics. Good luck. I will support you!
GUEST RESPONSE: JaNae Williams, food writer, The Oklahoman: It can be difficult to have small talk with family members, especially when, as we have pointed out, people are becoming more convinced of their beliefs and differences of opinion can seem more confrontational than ever. One thing to remember is that you can’t control the other people at your reception, but you can set expectations.
Let everyone present know that, regardless of differences of opinion, your home and table should be respectful, open and welcoming places. Communicate in advance that raised voices and hurtful words or actions are not welcome. I don’t think it’s necessarily mandatory to remove a discussion topic if everyone involved can agree to have polite conversations. In fact, sometimes it’s important to have what we think are difficult conversations with our family members so that we can better understand each other’s perspectives.
As for topics that can fuel safer conversation, such as talking about favorite Thanksgiving memories from past, upcoming Christmas plans, recent activities you or others have participated in (or shows you’ve seen), etc.). Overall, the best thing you can do is remind everyone that regardless of differences, the people at your table are likely the ones you want and care about deeply and that no disagreement is worth worth wasting the chance to create fond memories together – lest we all forget the pandemic. lessons from a few years ago about the value of time.
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GUEST RESPONSE: Lance McDaniel, CEO, McDaniel Entertainment: Every holiday, our family sits in a circle and allows everyone to talk about what they are passionate about and what is going on in their lives. Everyone gets a turn, from the youngest grandchild to the oldest grandparent. This usually takes a few hours because of all the side conversations. But it ensures that we spend our time together talking about what’s important to each family member.
GUEST RESPONSE: Mei Cheng, community volunteer: It’s great to see family during the holidays. With so many people having strong opinions on controversial topics, hosting guided discussions for the event would be a great idea. Ask guests to share a blessing they have received over the past year, or, if the past year has been particularly difficult, ask them to share how the rest of the group can pray for them. If someone brings up a topic that might become heated, gently redirect the conversation by saying, “Can we discuss this topic another time?” Let’s enjoy this moment together and avoid getting upset today.
GUEST RESPONSE: Brandon Bixler, vice president, NBC Oklahoma: Thanksgiving is a wonderful time when we can reflect on the blessings of the year, eat well, and watch football. A host should establish certain boundaries before Thanksgiving to ensure a smoother day. Save topics like politics and the current geopolitical landscape for another time. At Thanksgiving, it’s best to focus on topics like gratitude, stories, memories, and even reaching for Pepto Bismol when needed.
Start a small conversation by asking open-ended questions about family, travel, recipes, and any other acceptable topics. It’s important to be an active listener and show interest in the conversation, even if the topic doesn’t particularly interest you. Humor is often the best way to defuse a heated conversation, followed by an attempt to change the subject. Well-timed humor can bridge gaps and help people overcome their anger. If humor doesn’t work, I suggest addressing the issue directly and informing the person that their behavior has upset the host. If they cannot calm down, they may be asked to leave the table or the house.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this column on generational etiquette. They also include responses from guests from a wide range of ages each week. Many years later, Callie is over 20; Lillie-Beth is over 40 and Helen is over 60. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.